Part: Two of Three
Disclaimer: I know nothing and I own nothing
Author Note: No SoCo lyrics belong to me *unfortuneately*
Dedi: Jin, Kat, Lesley and Tracy
Hours later, the house was dark, the TV was still blaring and Matt was curled up in a broken ball at the bottom of the wall. Keys turned in the lock and the door was pushed open giving James room to step into the hallway of gloom, looking around to see if Matt was home.
Crossing the living room, James turned off the TV and he was about to come to the conclusion Matt wasn’t home and go straight up to bed when he heard a sniffle. Looking over at the wall, he saw Matt’s crumpled form and went straight to him, tripping over the coffee table and landing with a thump, disturbing Matt.
Matt looked up from his knees, his eyes red rimmed and splodgy, his cheeks stained and his bottom lip trembling. “Oh Matt….” James’ voice was soft as he dropped to his knees in front of him, resting his hands on Matt’s kneecaps, gently running his thumbs across them in soothing circles. “Matt…maybe we should….I mean I think….”
”You think too fucking much.” Matt’s voice was a lot stronger and calmer than he looked, it was harsh and angry. “You wanna think about something James?! Maybe you can think me whole!” He pulled his legs out of James’ reach and got up off the carpet angrily, but as the blood rushed to his head he swayed slightly, while James scrambled to support him.
“Piss off…” he growled, shaking James away from him. “Oh right so what… now old cassettes and cigarettes will be the ones to save you, right?!” James’ temper was rising and he waved old Busted recordings and a packet of cigarettes in front of Matt’s face before tossing them onto the sofa.
“I told you! Fuck off!! You don’t know anything about what I want or what I’m going to do!” Matt strode to the opposite side of the room, seized his lighter and lit up a cigarette, practically eating it as it calmed his shaking. “Ok, so I don’t know anything…why don’t you tell me what the hell you want because from the last couple of months I can tell it’s sure as hell not me or my help!!” James’ cheeks were flushing as he got more annoyed. He hadn’t had to come down here and support Matt; he could have stayed at Charlie’s and left Matt to rot in hell. But here he was, showing his love and devotion once again, and once again he was having it thrown back in his face. “What I want!” Matt yelped “I want to be innocent again. I want to go to sleep at night again. I want to read good news. But nothing good is happening, is it?!”
”Well….not right now…but….good things will happen again Matt! I mean…we’re a good thing.”
”We were. So much has changed.” Matt corrected him bitterly, throwing his cigarette out of the window and lighting another up. “We were good, we were better than good! We were fucking great! But that didn’t last long did it?”
”That wasn’t my fault! You were the one who started to sleep around!” James snapped, no way was he taking the blame for the breakdown of their relationship. Matt had single handedly broken James’ heart and his will at the same time. He’d quit Son of Dork and music all together to be with Matt because Matt didn’t like coming second in James’ life…to anything, but he was more than willing to put James way down his list of priorities. James had barely been in the top twenty.
Matt looked stumped, that was true, he’d taken James for granted and wasted what should have been the most beautiful and rewarding part of their relationship as they explored each other and the things the world could offer them as a couple. He couldn’t count the number of guys he’d screwed around with if he’d used both his hands and his feet and he also couldn’t count the number of times James turned a blind eye and let him back in, never uttering an angry word.
Looking at James now, Matt would give anything for James not to be so goddamn perfect. Anything to make him feel a little less guilty. He’d fucked around the most amazing person in his life and look where it had landed him?! And yet James still wanted to help him. Matt couldn’t understand why and it frustrated him.
James watched Matt closely; the detachment in his features showed just how much Matt didn’t want to be here and realising that Matt wasn’t going to speak, he sighed and made towards the door. “I can’t take this anymore because I know someday I’ll see you walk out that door and then I’ll never see you again until they ring me and let me know that they’ve found your body under a bridge, dirty needles and cigarette butts all around you.” Matt looked up, James was really leaving, leaving for good and taking any chance he had with him and before he could stop himself he dropped his guard and blurted out “Stay!!”
James stopped; his hand on the door handle and he turned around and sighed, moving back into the living room where he gently touched Matt’s arm and said softly “How can you ask for me to stay when all you ever do is go?”
Matt frowned and shrugged his arm away, defences back up. “Fine, whatever I don’t care, there was never any place, for someone like me to be totally happy anyway.” James gaped, he couldn’t believe he was hearing what Matt was saying. Matt couldn’t possibly mean this; all thoughts of leaving flew straight out of James’ head and off the face of the planet and he shook his head. “No, you need me, no matter how much you deny it, you’ll need me one of these days and I’m not about to put you through this on your own.”
”James! I’ve got fucking HIV! I caught HIV from sleeping with a random guy while you were tucked up in bed! Aren’t you the slightest fucking bit angry?!”
”No, you didn’t deserve this Mattie…that guy knew he was HIV positive and he didn’t bother to tell you to use a condom? You’re suffering now Matt and you don’t deserve it. So you slipped up a couple of times, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, let alone the man I love. I don’t care who you caught it off or how you caught it, I’m going to be here with you and for you the whole time, we’ll manage this Matt, there’s some great drugs available which can let you lead practically a normal life and with my help…”
“You know what James?! Fuck it, you want to stay here and piss me off you can! It’s a free fucking country and you want to watch me suffer and die for every little tiny thing I put you through then stay right here! Just watch me die! See how I die! SEE HOW I FUCKING DIE!!!” Matt was screaming by now and he reached for the collection of shot glasses on the mantle piece and started to throw them at James, screaming all the while.
James had the sense to duck behind the sofa, hearing the glasses smash on the wall behind him as he yelled “Matt! Stop!!” but Matt was starting to trash the whole room, picking anything up and throwing it. Only when his favourite picture of them both together smashed against the floor Matt paused. Matt looked down at the shattered glass, disfiguring the picture, making them look distorted and unnatural and he crumpled. What the hell was he doing? He couldn’t go on like this. “OhGod James!” he gulped, slumping and grabbing at the picture frame, trying to fix it as James peeped out from behind the sofa.