Part: Three of Three
Disclaimer: I know nothing and I own nothing
Author Note: No SoCo lyrics belong to me *unfortuneately*
Dedi: Jin, Lesley and anyone else who is reading this
As James cradled Matt in his arms, he thought to himself, trying to think of something he could say to help him. Matt seemed so angry at everything, the front room was completely trashed; nothing was as it had been. The sofa had been ripped up; stuffing was oozing like puss from the orangey material. The carpet was littered with glass and china and even splinters of wood but James would clean it all up later when he’d got Matt into bed.
Matt snuffled softly into James’ neck, knowing his tears were making a sticky, damp trail down his neck and into his t-shirt but he was feeling too much already to add caring onto that list. Instead he sat up and made to move away from James.
James however tightened his grip on Matt, looking deep into the soggy brown of his eyes as he pulled Matt back into his lap, cradling him close and softly stroking his hair. He felt, more than heard Matt sigh against his neck and automatically understanding what Matt was thinking he gently whispered into his ear, “I want to save you…” Matt’s soft chuckle gently vibrated through him and James smiled softly, everything was going to be Ok now. Gently pulling him closer, James sensed how trapped and doomed Matt was feeling, as if he’d signed, sealed and delivered his own death warrant. Trying not to snigger at the images he had of the grim reaper doing an odd pole dance around his hatchet to “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” James buried his face into Matt’s hair.
“You know Mattie…there are a lot of things that can take your life…but HIV can take over it…just so long as we stick to the programme and get all your pills on time and use universal precautions then there’s no reason for it to.”
”We?” Matt’s voice was small, almost childlike as he looked up at James. “Sure, we…” James smiled, gently using his fingers to brush Matt’s cheek, softly combing his hair. Matt sighed and shook his head mumbling gently “If this is what it takes, just to lie in my mistakes and live with what I did to you and all the things I put you through…hell Jimmy….I can live with HIV, but what I did to you and yet you pulling through for me, I don’t know if I can live with the guilt.”
“What if I said I’d cheated on you?” Matt looked up at James and pulled away slightly in shock as he gaped “You DID?!”
”Well no…but would it make you feel any better if I said I had?”
”No, not really.” Matt slumped down against James’ chest again; wrapping his arms around James’ waist and bringing himself flush against his body.
James continued to gently soothe Matt, softly humming into his hair before fluff from the sofa floated in front of him and he screwed up his nose and sneezed. Matt jerked a little in surprise and he looked up and laughed at the half surprised expression on James’ face as he tried to duck away from the fluff.
Picking the fluff out of the air, Matt looked up at James and smiled. “You feeling better now? You feeling good?” James asked gently, absently smoothing out the crumples in Matt’s shirt. “You’re my good feeling…” Matt gently poked J in the chest, making him blush as Matt grinned, his playful side coming out once more. “You are, my reason, for breathing…” he gently breathed into James’ face, watching, amused as the flush crept up past his cheekbones and James squirmed a little. Compliments always made him cringe, Matt had never understood it.
“I…love….you” Matt whispered softly, bringing his nose gently to rest against James’ and feeling something tighten within his bowels as James’ eyes bugged. That was the first time Matt had said it and he was as shocked as James, but looking into the chubby, freckled face, Matt knew it was true and he softly rested his lips against James’.
James gently rubbed lips with Matt before softly mumbling, “I love you too.” Matt didn’t know what it was but something made his eyes well up and a tear gently trickled down his nose. Matt might not have known what he was feeling, but James certainly did.
Softly kissing the tear away from the tip of his nose, James gently stroked a finger along Matt’s cheekbone and whispered softly, “You’ll be Ok. I’ll keep you from sinking. I’ll take care of you, no matter how sick you get I’ll be by your side and I’ll carry you…I’ll carry you the whole way.”
“I’ll crawl,” Matt shook his head, gently lacing his fingers with James and softly saying “There’s things that aren’t worth giving up, I know that now. When you can’t bear to carry me I’ll fight, ‘cos now I know there’s something worth fighting for.” James grinned and he eased Matt up off the carpet and helped him up to the bedroom.
“I really am going to save you, you know.” James said as he tenderly tucked the covers around Matt, having stripped him to his boxers and kissed his forehead, making for the bedroom door. “Hell,” he laughed, “I need you to save me too!!”
“Leave the living room….” Matt pleaded, not wanting to sleep without James and, glancing at his watch, James decided that maybe it was time for bed and this house wasn’t big enough for the both of them anyways. “Shall we move house?” he asked absently, pulling his t-shirt off. “Ummmm….” Matt was confused but he shrugged, this house had too many bad memories. “Sure, but your stuff has to be in it too….”
“That your peculiar way of asking me to move in with you?”
”Well, was asking if we should move house your way of asking?” Matt quipped. Sniggering, James shoved his three-quarter lengths down his legs, revealing his favourite union jack boxers and he climbed in beside Matt, feeling truly happy for the first time since Matt had first kissed him.
“We’re going to be Ok aren’t we?” Matt smiled into James’ hair as he reached over to switch off the light. “Fuck yeah we can live like this!” James grinned as the room was plunged into the dark and they snuggled closer together, losing themselves in each other, three boxes of a drug cocktail watching over them from Matt’s bedside table as they slept.